Hope, Faith & A Change Of Pace


Hello Luvs,

Today I’m taking a turn…sort of another view because I do tend to speak of everything that has happened and how much is going on and what’s bothering me. It’s only because so much has happened in my life. Even the SSDI people and my own Psychologist says that I’m the “worst childhood trauma/abuse case that they’ve seen in the past 35 years”. My Psychologist says he’s surprised that I’m not “dead or crazy”and believe me…I’m not either of those things! LOL…I’m moving on with my life. I do still speak of things that hurt or bother me, but I don’t live my daily life dwelling about it all.
I will now tell you of the good things, the positive things that I’m doing in my life. I just want to share so everyone knows and I also see, because it’s in writing; that I’m trying hard to be happy and do good in this sometimes really crazy, hard world.
I’m a “mentor” for newly diagnosed RSD/CRPS patients! I love doing this because I still have my own Mentor too! It helps alot when you are told that you have this Painful, neurological, progressive, burning, hurting disease and you know nothing about it. It can be very scary and you need someone to talk to. Someone who’s available to talk to or ask questions. I have a support group for any kind of chronic pain patient. It is on Facebook pages and it’s called “Invisible Diseases, Especially Chronic Pain & RSD/CRPS”. I have 1,450 or so people in the “Cause” phase of this group. This means the phase for Research,Awareness,Support and Education regarding Chronic Pain Illnesses. That part is on CAUSES on Facebook and it’s titled “R.A.S.E. for Chronic Pain & RSD/CRPS”…I named it “RASE” and I thought that was pretty “catchy”…LOL..
The PAGE part of the support group as titled above is full of about 800 people from all over the globe, who are in pain and are suffering from one chronic pain illness or many! We all support and help each other. Sometimes now I can even “bow out” for awhile because I just cannot do it all with my own pain issues etc. They take care of me and each other now. I don’t have to take care of everyone because we all take care of each other. I do try to look each week and answer any questions and give support and any answers that I can, to new people or long time groupies! If you or someone you know has a chronic pain illness or RSD/CRPS, please contact me and I’ll point you in the right directions.
Now, I want to write about inspiration and Christianity and God. If you want to stop reading, now is your chance to go and come back next time, for another subject. If you have different beliefs and faith’s, I don’t judge you. This is what I believe, so please don’t judge me. I’m here for you whatever your beliefs.
My youngest daughter, Amy and I went to a “Beth Moore” Simulcast seminar recently (*September 15,2012). It was about how “God has not called us to “FINE” but he’s called us to “FAITH”. I didn’t get to stay for all of the 7 points she was going to make. I had surgery just the previous Monday and was in alot of pain. I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to spend time with my lovely daughter, who has recently moved out of the house and made me a full fledged “empty nester”..LOL. I had to try and go and I wanted to spend this quality time with her. We went to lunch and then went back until about 2:30 and it was finished around 4pm.
I just want to share some of the insights that I learned because this is a great forum to share and do some good.
I’m just speaking for women but it can be related by men also. This was just a “women’s conference” so I’m just going to be relating to that part today.
There are two spectrums that we can be on or someplace in the middle. There’s people that have nothing and some who seem to have everything. In other words one person might say “I’m fine” and the next might say “it’s all bad”. Usually it’s something or someplace in the middle. God doesn’t call us to “fine”…he calls us to “faith”.
When we are “needy” it makes us “weak”. If you think that you have everything you need….then you NEED to get a bigger, better life! In Phillipians God speaks of “contentment”. If you don’t ask then you don’t risk anything. We need to live a big life for Jesus, for ourselves too. I’m still trying, failing, getting back up and trying again. If you are at the full end of the spectrum, as in the person who “has everything” then you risk little. We have to risk drama or else we will “snore” away our spiritual life, our life in general.
Do you know or even realize how much “FEAR” is a crippler of life and of faith. It is never being able to realize or have a ‘miracle’ in our lives. In 2nd John:9 it says that “Fear lets the enemy take from me”. Sometimes we are afraid because of the life we’ve endured. I am one of those anxious and fearful persons. I used to be much worse than I am now; because now I have much more faith and love in my life.
I have many enemies, people who are cruel to me in my life. I’ve had one abuser after another in my life. Even today these abusers get pleasure from my pain. It stopped with my husband of 16 yrs, Craig. He’s my soul-mate and the love of my life. He and I speak passionately about things. I like that and it’s not abusive or mean or anything bad. I finally have someone who loves me for who I am and accepts me and who treats me with love and affection. In Psalm 44:5, the Bible states “through you we push back our enemies”…”through your name we trample our foes”. In Acts 18:9 it states “deal with fear today! Push back our enemy!” Beth Moore talked to us and she says as one of the points of our seminar; “Faith trusts that every call to forsake is a call to also take”. We need to forsake our fear and take our courage! When we don’t forsake our fear, we “take abundance of life”, she told us. We must want to decide today to forsake our fear and take courage instead!
Don’t accept bondage, fear, addiction, anxiety and all of those “bad” things that make us feel fearful and “bad”. NOW is the time for getting our faith back! Faith has no formula. There’s no way to “get” faith, you have to find it and have it. I’m still learning how to be faithful. It’s hard to push back the enemies, to have people in your life who want to “hurt” you and be “mean” to you, to put it simply. I’ve had honestly, more than my fair share, if you’ve read any of this blog from the beginning! I also have a private blog and if you want to read that, you need to contact me directly and I can add your name to the “allowed” list. It’s very private and deep and only about 10 people are allowed to read it right now, so far.
It takes so much faith to relieve yourself of “bitterness”. I need to forsake my bitterness in order to be faithful. It’s easy to hold onto bitterness when you’ve been abused and even when you’re still being abused when you’ve taken yourself out of the “situation”. Sometimes no matter what you do or where you go, you cannot run or hide from people who want to hurt you, especially when they are your own ‘blood’, your own biological family. Can you even imagine your own father and/or brothers turning your own daughter against you? Can you even imagine that this daughter has forsaken you? YOU..the one who was the ONLY person there for her, a contstant in her life always. Until she turned 18 and then took herself away and turns against you and spreads horrible lies and rumors. That is what has happened to me but I love her. I forgive her and I forgive them, though I cannot forget. I have to forgive in order to move on and in Psalm 119:39 it says “be kind to someone who mocks you”.
Lastly, I want to tell you something else that I got from the Beth Moore simulcast. If what we ask for doesn’t happen, it comes down to that “somethings up”. You might not understand it right now. I might not like it or understand it but God has his own reasons for NOT giving you exactly what you want sometimes. HE knows what’s best for us. If you talk to him and if you really “listen” with all of your heart and soul, you will learn to understand more fully what is his plan for your life.
I’ve been trying so hard not to be depressed, cry and have a horrible life because I miss my oldest daughter so very much. I think of her every day and I love her with all of my heart. I don’t understand why things happened or what exactly happened to make her turn against me after feeling so close to her all of the growing up years. I was a constant in her life. I was always there to support her and stick up for her and love her.
I don’t know why I got an abusive biological family who wants to continue to “hurt” me. I don’t really know anyone else who’s got so many health issues, so much physical pain and emotional pain; who’s “family” absolutely despises them/her and continues to push hurt and pain upon her/them. I just know that if God hasn’t answered my requests, then he has his own plan for my life. He knows and only he knows “why” I cannot have her in my life right now. I can only hope and pray that my trust in him continues to grow and I learn to accept what “IS”.
Faith rests its case on the resurrection of God. He rose from the dead and he died for me, for all of us. We can get rid of a “bad life” for a good life with God..or what Beth Moore called a “God life”! In Ephesians1 18-20 it speaks more about this. I will end here and leave you to your thoughts. I hope I have provoked some good thoughts in your hearts today.
Forever yours, Suzanne

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From The Mouth of A Fur Baby


Hello all,
Hey to all of my furriends here on Catster…sorry I’ve not been around so much lately. Mommy is still not doing so well since February when she had the heart surgery…she’s just tired alot and not feeling so great. She’s a good mommy and she tries hard to be everything I need and want …but I just want to be me with my own personality and my own quirks. When mommy and daddy got me they actually got me because their daughter who is 25 has her own apartment and another kitty named “Sutton”. They all love Sutton, she is “fixed” and she is a good kitty and mommy’s daughter thought that she’d get another kitty (me) to keep Sutton company . But when I went there after the foster home, I didnt’ like it so much. I was stuck in the bathroom for a few days and I felt lonely and worried about what was going on for me in life. I was let out of the bathroom for times and then Sutton would be put in the laundry room for awhile while I sniffed out the place and played awhile…then we went back to our own spaces again…just until we could get used to each other. But Sut-Sut never got used to me and started worrying , not grooming, not eating and whenever we got put together to try and be introduced; we both got upset and started clawing at eachother and hissing…
We did not like each other and it just was not gonna work and mommy’s daughter was going to have to take me back to my foster mom’s home. But my mommy intervened and she told her daughter to bring me to her house and they would take me as they fur baby and be my family. I was really cute and I didnt want to be alone in a room downstairs that first night and I jumped up the basement stairs and over the 1/2 door and into the living room! I made a big sound and they wondered what happened!! I made them so surprised and they were laughing so hard and I was instantly allowed upstairs with them and trusted.
OK…so you all know my trials and stories and eveything we’ve been through together, right? You know how my mommy used to say that she had hoped that I would be “cuddly” and everyone said to give me time? Mommy had hoped for company and love and companionship. She is in pain all of the time with a nerve disease and doesn’t feel too good and she just wanted something to love and be loved. (*On a side note mommy has an abusive family and she has to stay away from them to be safe…she also lost her oldest daughter 9 yrs ago )…. She feels like she could use some unconditional love like the love only fur babies can give…but not me…so far I’m not capable of this. Mommy knows that kitties are sometimes loners or we want things our own way….You know my mommy loves me and you can see by all the pictures she takes of me that I’m so important in their lives. I’m so smart and cute and funny…but mommy is sad because I never want anything except to sleep and play (playing is harder for her but she’s a good sport and still plays with me a lot). I’m funny to watch but I’m not any company really. You see….Mommy & Daddy.. they both are allergic and think that having 2 cats would be “pushing it. Mommy and daddy’s allergies are in check just by taking a pill daily so thats good and with me, they are doing OK with it and that is wonderful. But two kitty’s might be pushing it a bit much and mommy’s has asthma as well (which is also doing good at the moment).
Mommy keeps saying that in time things will be better, that I’ll get used to everything, that I’ll be better, less skittish etc. Daddys starting to get upset because mommy is sad quite often about the whole thing. Daddy keeps saying that they should let the foster mommy come back and bring me to her house because she said I could come back to her house any time forever. Mommy loves me so much and daddy does as well, but the only thing that they do is clean out my litter box and feed me and play with me. I won’t let mommy (or anyone) hold me, I won’t sit with her, I won’t sit next to her, I won’t sleep with her, she cannot hold me! I stay in one room of the house most of the time and they are always in the TV room. I used to sleep with mommy but haven’t in about a month and now I sleep up on the mantle over the fireplace or I also sleep in the rocking chair in the room upstairs, the spare room. You see, right now its Sat. night…daddy and mommy are watching TV and playing on their Ipads…I’m upstairs by myself in the computer room in a chair. I used to greet them in the morning if there was a night that went by and I didnt want to sleep next to mommy. I would at least be head butting and meowing and happy to see them and get them up. Now I just keep going backwards 5 steps and forward one step!!
I won’t drink water from my bowl…not any bowl…only from the faucet….I want mommy to pet me while i eat or sometimes i wont eat…the only thing that I do that shows any kind of affection whatsoever, is sometimes I’ ll fall down onto my side like “plop” and want to be petted…but only for a few moments or then I start swiping my claws at them. I don’t get excited to see them or even get up off of my perch when either of them come home….Mommy’s friends who are in a support group for pain patients, they have kitties and their kitties lay down in the bed with them for the most part when they don’t feel good throughout the day. I don’t care if mommy doesn’t feel good and I stay in another room ….
Mommy and daddy are so sad …especially mommy. She /they know that animals are not “disposable” creatures that can be “traded” as the cat behaviorist has suggested when mommy talked to one at the humane society where I used to live. She said that if mommy isn’t happy and it’s been so long, about 8 /9 months now and I’m just not that “into them”..that they should take me back to my foster mommy who doesn’t mind taking me back at all! She told them that they could for sure find mommy a loveable lap cat that would possibly fit in at this house and with this family since I don’t really seem to do anything here except keep to myself and I like it that way. Mommy is afraid to hurt my feelings or afraid to do anything except just keep me here with them, with her. She said they should try a dog or another cat and just let me be who I am and leave it at that…but daddy says that thats not an option…..because of his allergies being worse, he only wants one animal and he has to do the laundry, housework, and lawn work and everything pretty much …already…Because mommy has several health issues its alot on his shoulders. He is a full time teacher and has been for 36 years as well….it’s just hard and they know they could do it and welcome it and not mind at all…but they just want me to give some kind of sign of love and affection. I mean, I hate seeing mommy unhappy because of me….she is sad quite often and she has enough to be sad about daddy says, without me being a part of it. I was supposed to be part of the family and their lives and love and be loved…it’s hard because I’m not like that and I’ve been here 9 mos almost.
Lastly, you know…mommy and daddy had they picked out their own family fur baby, they’d have chosen one with a history of being loving and a lap cat and such…but their daughter brought me home and that didnt’ work out with her kitty and me. We didnt like each other at all. Remember, she was going to take me right back after a week, to the foster mommy…but my mommy now didnt want that to happen and she said they would try to take me and see how it goes….it’s been all this time and I’m getting more and more apart from them/her and instead of closer…..any suggestions will be so hoped for… but mommy cannot handle anymore hurtfulness because there are so many abusers in her life that she’s trying hard to keep at bay…thank you all for being warm, caring and understanding…..love, Luna …purrrssss20130922-002207.jpg20130922-002224.jpg

RSD/CRPS Inside Out…


Hello Luvs

…I don’t usually write about how I am feeling or how I am doing healthwise here in this blog of mine. I try to be informative and as upbeat as I can.  I’ve kept as much as possible to some “horror stories” of my history of abuse by those who are and were supposed to love me.  I have a few DIY craft ideas, then a bit more information and a few more stories.

   Today, someone asked me “how do you know that the RSD/CRPS has gone to your heart/chest etc?  Well this is what I’ve been told by my “team”….of Doctors.  I already suffered a heart attack in 2005 (I didn’t have RSD until 2007-but suffered a MVA & many many bad bad injuries/surgeries starting 2002)..long story short…after that I ended up getting “Atrial fibrillation” and put on blood thinners forever, called Coumadin. lab tests weekly, or bi weekly or monthly /depending. Then I started having horrible pain and was put on the Nitro patch and told I was also having “Coronary Spasms” and I had the under the tongue Nitro as well. I’m told to wear the nitro patch daily and off at night…I take a nitro during a worse”attack”, wait 5 min, take another, wait 5 mins and take a 3rd and if it wasnt better to go to the ER….OK…so that was all before RSD….I had a pacemaker placed in 2003 for “SSS” or “SICK Sinus Syndrome/ a brady-tachy arrythmia ” I was diagnosed formally in 2003 with DYSAUTONOMIA/POTS/NCS… I fainted often..my HR went down so low until the pacemaker was set at 60bpm so it couldn’t go to 23 anymore…and Ihad Altenol for the high tachy arrythmia’s.  Things settled down.  I had gotten RSD/CRPS Type II from surgery in right foot in 2007.  By 2010 it had spread to “full body” in my eyes, mouth, neck , upper back, lower back, arms, hands, legs, feet  and it just seemed like everywhere.  I had to get a new pacemaker this past February 2013. The Neuro-Cardiologist/surgeon had to call a plastic surgeon to come as well, due to the fact that my pacemaker had worn right through my Pectoral muscle!!  She had to rebuild my Pectoral muscle ! She had researched RSD/CRPS when she had heard that “the patient (me) had it)! I was so happy when I heard that! She’d researched and found that “IF” they do a wash internally of the surgical area, with “Bipvucaine” (a numbing medication) they can sometimes “head off” the RSD/CRPS from going internally through the surgery site. I had hoped this would be me and my situation. I was so hopeful. OH….and then during my surgery, the Dr came out to speak to my husband, and told him that my “heart had practically “STOPPED” after he unplugged my first pacemaker! It was so slow that I am totally dependent now on this pacemaker!! I use it 87% at last check, and this was just last week! Anyways, I got thru to my first check up after surgery and I looked and felt horrible. My scar looks horrible. They promised me a much “prettier scar” this time! It’s hideous! It looks like a purple caterpillar!! He’s only seen that in 2 people so far…me ….and one other!  So…I’ve not gotten well still. I’m always tired and also feel nauseated just slightly all the time. I feel just plain malaise and generally ill and fatigued like never before. My scar burns all the time…itches but cannot scratch it….my heart is too fast all the time…Before it was stuck or set at 60 bpm so it wouldn’t go lower than that and now it is always up around 90, 100 and even 135 the other day. I sweat from it, the area all the time or often, I should say. I feel “HOT INSIDE OUT” all the time just about.  I just cant get feeling back to even my old “normal ” pain levels etc. I cannot go far from home. I don’t do what I even did prior to this last surgery. I had stress IV induced exercise test and echo and next, a sleep study to come.  They said those tests were “my normal” or same as 2 years ago.  They’ve agreed with me that the RSD/CRPSII is inside of my body now and inside of the surgical area/scar and inside of my heart muscle.   With Dysautonomia and RSD/CRPSII ..well our heart muscles are made with the  majority of sympathetic nerves and RSD/CRPS attacks the sympathetic nerves ..showing how it can affect our hearts if given half a chance.

  There are several places on the web to get information about RSD/CRPS.  One of my favorite spots that contains a lot of information and is written by a good family and truly good people is at WWW.RSDHOPE.ORG.  I  also have a PDF file with the name “Systemic Complications of RSD/CRPS”….I honestly cannot remember where I found that research but I’m sure the file will have that information as well.  You really have to be your own good advocate. You cannot give up and you keep going and talking no matter how badly some of the people or medical personnel can make us feel at times.  Do not give up on your own internal feelings and instinct. More often than not, it is…or I should say …YOU are correct!…If you GOOGLE that title, you may be able to pull up that article or something similar. If you contact me, I can send you that article.   I hope if anyone has these symptoms, they will be helped by what I’ve been going through and they will be more informed than I had been at first!

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