The Happy Challenge


The suffering of the chronic pain patient can be mostly silent, somewhat invisible.  People will sometimes ask “where are the bruises, the medical machines or the marks on your body”?  Let me explain about the “hidden bruises”, the “quiet bleeding inside” and the sporadic silence.  The “silent screams” are more often quiet because we are seen as complaining if we are too vocal.  When we don’t say anything or we look “fine”; then we must be Okay because we appear to be fine on the outside and we are not complaining. We may verbalize that we are tired and then they say “Oh yes, I’m tired too! I know what you mean. It’s normal to be tired at our ages. You just have to work through it!” They don’t realize that we have to “ration our spoons” throughout the day (see the “spoon theory” by Christine Miserandino, at http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com).  There’s no sense trying to explain it to them because it is not a battle of words that we have the energy to argue about.  Most people who do not live with and deal with daily chronic pain, just cannot understand or fathom the idea that just taking a shower and getting ready for our day, can use up so many of our “spoons” or so much of our energy.

We may agree to attend an event or a family outing if at all possible.  We don’t intend to break a “promise” but when we go against our own best judgement; we may then suffer.  Sometimes we go, but cannot stay very long; they say we are “phony”.  We try to hide how we are feeling, but sometimes even with our greatest strength, we have to submit to the pain and fatigue. We need to listen to what our bodies are telling us.  That’s when we start losing friends and family members. We start getting invited to social events less often. Though we really wish to be invited and truly want to go, if we possibly can.

Next, we have the other chronic pain patients who have knowledge of the “Spoon Theory” and some of the similar feelings that we all experience daily.  Then for one reason or another, maybe because we are not all at the “same place at the same time”; we may be judged again by our peers. It hurts, because we all experience the chronic pain and fatigue, but we may each handle it differently. I try not to judge anyone for doing what they need to do to take care of themselves. When you only “know” someone through social media, you don’t really know them or their daily struggles. You only know what they choose to share.  It hurts when someone judges me for appearing to be active on social media. It’s true that I am an Ambassador for the U.S. Pain foundation, I’m a freelance writer, a blogger, a mentor, a patient leader for WEGO health and I am a health advocate. But I don’t have to do anything on any day or days, if I don’t choose to. I may be in my recliner for 20 out of 24 hours some days. But that doesn’t mean that I cannot encourage, counsel, connect or give TLC to others.

If I do an event, then I am literally “down” for several days afterwards. It is worth it to me, just to stay as positive, helpful and useful as I possibly can be.  I also don’t admonish others who are not in the same place as me.  I remember times when I didn’t feel as happy inside and I still have periods like that. The ups and downs are pretty normal within the lives of chronic pain patients.  Sometimes when in horrible pain physically and/or mentally; people generally think that others should be able to see or feel things the same way as they do.

Now, I have a different strategy for dealing with the pain. I utilize every possible venue to express my own pain and my reaction to the changes that it has made in my life and our lives. I am not always positive, nor am I constantly happy and upbeat. But I do try to be positive as often as possible on Social media. Sometimes people’s lives depend on it. Naturally, we all have our darker times; but I try to rarely share those publicly.  I’m not saying that I’m right or this is right for everyone. I’m just sharing how I deal with my own personal pain.

I felt the need or the urge to write about this because I received a private note from someone. It really hurt at first and I was crying. I participated and usually do participate in the various online events and “photo challenges”. It may be for U.S Pain foundation, for WEGO health or for RSDSA etc.  It’s just therapeutic for me and I enjoy being a part of these online events. If I can cheer up one person then it is worth it for me.  If I can show one person, a light at the end of the tunnel, then I have given them hope.   Someone sent me this private message and it said;   “Not to start anything but….why do you devote so much time and trouble to your blog, your websites, groups and writings?  Why don’t you just deal with the pain, like the rest of us? YOUR “Happy challenge” was yours not mine…. I guess we don’t see it the same way. I just try to get thru the day w/the least amount of pain possible and thank God when I awaken the next day.  No drugs, no docs, just PT and pain shrink….”.  Like I said, at first I cried and I was hurt by these words. For a few moments, I felt like it was and has been all for nothing.  But it’s not for nothing. We are not all in the same place at the same time.  There are stages of chronic pain, just as there are stages of grief; they are pretty similar. But one thing for sure, I don’t put others down for taking or not taking medications or if they choose to use an SCS or a pain pump (for which I’m not a candidate, due to an Immune deficiency disease). I feel strongly about doing whatever is necessary to achieve the best quality of life that I can possibly have.  I don’t choose to go to as many Dr’s as I once did. I try to just visit the specialists that my life depends on.  I don’t just “wait for the next day to arrive”.  Though I do thank God every day, for giving me life. I also don’t do PT after 9 years of doing it and I don’t go to a “pain shrink”.  But that is my choice.  I do take a normal dose of Opioid pain medication, of which my life “depends on” now.  I’m not “addicted”, but “dependent” on this medication. But guess what? I was able to attend my youngest granddaughters’ first birthday party because of this.  I GOT the pleasure of attending a U.S. pain conference this past weekend.  I got to do it and got through it, because I am able to take a pill that helps me get through these events.  Yes, of course I suffer still, for a few days afterwards, but I have the memories and so do the “little ones” and the other people who I got to spend time with. I also got to experience other persons like myself, who want to make a difference and try to help in the world of chronic pain.  It’s not for everybody and that’s OK.  We are all different, it’s supposed to be that way.  I don’t particularly enjoy things like gardening or cooking. Some people couldn’t imagine life without those things. I am me and that is OK.  I cannot please everyone and it’s alright.  I’m not crying any longer about the message. Instead I feel badly for the person who wrote it.  They are in a darker or more sad place than me. I will be there for them if or when they are ready.

It’s a difficult kind of life to explain when you look fine on the outside, your photos look like everything is “normal” on the outside; but my body burns and aches even through the smiles. I’m just like some of the other chronic pain patients, but I choose to outlet my pain in different ways. Nobody says that my way is the right way, but it’s the right way for me to express my pain and try to help others in the process.

 

 

One Bloggers’ Reaction To An Attack On Pain Patients!


Continue reading “One Bloggers’ Reaction To An Attack On Pain Patients!”

This is My Fight …….


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This post stems from some horrible comments that were made on one of my videos on YOU TUBE. MY one YOU TUBE channel is mostly dedicated to information and helping others struggling with chronic pain and /or Invisible Diseases or disabilities. I am not writing this post to “brag” about what I do, because it’s not all for unselfish reasons. It also helps me continue to live on and to want to continue to try and move on beyond the illnesses and the pain that I live with every single day. I was thinking about just deleting the mean comments that someone who says their name is “Jose'”, wrote to me. I thought about not responding and never even saying anything back to this person or these people posing as someone named “Jose'”. I am going to copy and paste the comments here; that were put after my very short video.  The video is one that I made after only day #1 going through withdrawals from being on the Fentanyl lollipops for 12 years and 20 + per day. It was prescribed by my Dr’ of 14 yrs or so. It was Ok’d by the insurance companies and the pharmacy never said a word. I was and am a “lay” person and I did what I was told. I had been on 2 x 100’s strength Fentanyl patches at a time and changed them every 48 hours. At the same time I was on those lollipops. I was put on them at first because every pain medication “ate up my stomach”. Nothing I took by mouth worked because it made me sick to my stomach or burned badly.  So I was put on the lollipops and the patch. One day when I fell and my pain was made so much worse, my GP; the M.D. that had me on those dosages, told me to “go ahead and start wearing 2 of the 100 strength patches”. I did what I was told just as I’ve done my whole life. That is why I’ve gone through so much abuse and trauma because of trying to be the “good girl” and do whatever someone who I thought was a person in “power” or who had “power over me “(so I thought) told me to do.

The reason that I posted this Artistic Sign Language cover song by Rachel Platten, called “Fight Song”; is to show how I am feeling much better now than I was during that “withdrawals day #1 video”. I only did that withdrawal video to show others what it might be like for them to go through withdrawals and what it might feel like. I then posted my new YOU TUBE page called ASLSuzyQ because that is where I put my ASL cover songs. I lost my career due to PTSD, pain, nerve hearing loss and more pain, 8 surgeries, a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), disabling pain and illnesses. But now I do little tiny bits of ASL to songs because it cheers me up and I hope it cheers up others as well.  I can only do it for a little while and the pain afterwards is debilitating. I cannot even hear the song with the music like I could in the past as I acquired 2 hearing aids due to nerve hearing loss.

I am now going to show you and copy and paste exactly what this/these person(s) wrote to me . Then following those comments, I will post my response to the comments. I’m not sure if this person is really someone named “Jose'” because their “account” in You Tube is not a real account. This person or person may even be some  “bullies” that had popped into my life recently. I’d been abused and in fact I’m used to spotting Narcissist’s and Malignant Narcissistic abusers. Therefore I “popped” them right out of my life as fast as they tried to hurt me and attempted to ruin my long time friendships and my reputation. But my reputation speaks for itself and I don’t have to defend my honor to anyone. I know who I am and what I’ve done. I know what I am doing and hopefully what I will continue to try and do.  I’m a good and kind person. I’m not perfect, but the only one who can judge me is God.  Here is what this person or these persons wrote to me and then afterwards is my response:

SPEAK UP! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. I’M ON 4-100 PATCHES. You slowly come off them by matching the withdrawl symptoms. Stop and think about it. Some of us have it worse than you. get a grip

-Hello Jose, Im sorry you are such an angry man. It’s too bad that you judge before you know anything at all about me or my life or my background . You know nothing of me or what I’ve been through. Actually I was told by SSDI that I “am the worst case of child abuse/trauma that they’d seen in the past 36 yrs”, that was when i first got on disability in 1998. I also at that time had and still have CKDII now III. I don’t feel sorry for myself, in fact I’m a health advocate /activist. I’m an ambassador for the U.S. Pain association and a Mentor for RSDHOPE.org. I run 2 support groups with over 750 people in chronic pain. I’ve done commercial for Invisible diseases association and I’ve been a “chemo-angel” since 2005. I help others and I don’t hurt people, especially other’s in pain, like me. My new pain Dr. who helped me through the withdrawals in July 2015, this Summer, when I made this video, couldn’t believe how many “real” pain illnesses I have and deal with. He and all of my Dr’s that I’ve had for many years, tell me “how proud they are of me” for all I’ve been through and then to be left like that on 2 x 100 fentanyl patches (weighing 120 lbs at 5’5″ tall and 53 yrs old!!) and 20 + fentanyl lollipops daily. I had to go down slowly on my own, which I did. I then got to 2 per day or 3 and then I took zero after the 12th of July this past year. I’ve never had one again in all of 7 months. I’m proud of myself. I didnt ‘have to go anyplace to be “treated” and a kind pain Dr. took me and is proud of me for all that I have and all that I try to do for others. I only made the video to help others to see what it may be like at first and then I did the other video’s such as “stand by you” in ASL by Rachel Platten and many others, since then to show them and everyone that I did it and can do it and am doing it. I don’t feel sorry for myself very often, but sometimes I allow it for a few moments. I have been a survivor of childhood trauma/abuse since I can remember, then 2 marriages- abusive and one to an ex cop who’s not one any longer but not because of me, because he hurt someone after me. I finally found my soul-mate and actually today, Valentines day we are celebrating our 19th anniversary. Only some of my chronic pain illnesses include: full body/systemic CRPS, Polyneuropathy in Collagen Vascular Disease, Autonomic Neuropathy, Prinzmetal angina/coronary spasms, CKDIII, Rheumatoid arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Coronary artery disease, right long thoracic nerve neuropathy, I have Long QT syndrome in my heart, atrial fibrillation and have a pacemaker. I had heart surgery in 2013 and my CRPS went inside of my body at that time. Im on my 2nd pacemaker. I had a heart attack in May 2005 and a CVA or stroke in 2006, along with 2 “mini” strokes since then. I’m on Coumadin/blood thinners for that. I have Arnold Chiari Malformation I and Multiple herniated/bulging discs in my Lower back and neck at C 4/5 and C5/6 and L4/5, S-1….I have SCID or “severe combined immune deficiency disease”, along with Eczema secondary to CRPS, Asthma, nerve hearing loss with 2 hearing aids and I lost the career that I went to College for …I was an INterpreter for the Deaf and now I sign songs and do artistic signing of covers of songs when I’m able. I’ve had 8 surgeries and all of this happened after a car accident in 2002 ,when a man ran a red light while fighting with his wife. I was knocked unconscious and for 30 minutes or so I’m told. I was also in brain injury rehabilitation for 3 yrs outpatient, because I suffered a Traumatic brain injury. Luckily I found the best Dr’s and got leg braces, a wheelchair, walker and motorized scooter and loftstrand crutches to help me along. I use a cane sometimes when that’s all I need; other times I need the wheelchair depending on my pain that day. I didn’t need to explain all of this,but I felt that if someone who actually has “feelings” and “compassion” ever reads this..they will see how mean and uncaring others can be when they are ignorant to the situation and know nothing of the person they call “feeling sorry for herself”. There will always be people worse off than me and than you. There will always be people better off than we two….I already know that my spirit and my heart are much much better off than you. You can be “sicker” than me if that’s what you wish sir. You can “win”….you can have that place if you want it. I don’t want to be the “sicker” one. I want to be the one who survived to help others and work with others to help them to keep on wanting to survive and never give up… Good day.

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So that is what they/he/she said to me and this was my response. My husband asked me “why did you bother to write back”? He told me that I should have just denied the comments and not approved them.  But I wanted others to see how people can be so mean, even when you are trying to be helpful and no matter who you are or how “good” you try to be, there will always be someone who will judge you and try to hurt you. The only way they succeed is if you allow that hurt and meanness to get into your heart. It will not penetrate my heart because I want to be a good, kind and thoughtful person. I want to help others and I will continue to do so as long as I possibly can. People like this are one or more of many things:  Mentally ill, abusive, Narcissistic and /or Malignant Narcissistic abusers; or all of the above!! I had to show people that no matter what meanness or hurtfulness comes my way or may come your way; don’t ever give in or give up. I won’t either!
I do have some “protected” posts or “private” posts. For my own safety and due to the abusers in my life still today; I have had to do this. If you wish to read those posts, please email me and I will send you the password. Thank you so much…Im sorry this post was not uplifting but I just wanted to show that no matter how hard someone tries to be good and kind and even try to help others, there are always bullies and Malignant Narcissist’s out there ready to “Pounce” and they’ll try to hurt you.  Just don’t let them hurt you or your spirit. Know yourself and what is in your heart and soul.
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ADDITION:
Well, I was going to copy and Paste the “apology” that I got from this person. I went back to go and do that so you could see that by responding in an assertive way and making the person responsible for what they did, said….sometimes people will rethink what they’ve said or done. In this case, Jose’ decided to delete his message, which in turn deleted my response. Therefore, it is all as it never happened now on YOU TUBE! But it is here, in my blog and I hope that I’ve learned something and I pray that others have also learned from this post. Thank you and I pray that you have a low pain day and a good day today and every day…

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Withdrawals And One Week Fentanyl Lollipop Free !!


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Hello Luvs,

Wow…One week has passed….and I have been free of the Fentanyl Lollipops for 7 days now!

I would say that growing up in an abusive home was horrendous. Being robbed at gunpoint at the age of 11 years; in a shoe store with my family, was just terrifying. I also think that  getting married, being abused and getting remarried all the while being abused even worse, was pretty challenging. I didn’t know what “challenging” was though, until I had to flee the marital home with my two baby girls; along with help from the domestic violence shelters. My little girls  were only 3 and 5 1/2 and I was 30 years old. Later I was diagnosed with PTSD and “Battered Woman’s Syndrome” and found some solace in trusted Psychologist whom I still know to this day. I had felt that battling Anorexia & depression on and off since the age of 17 until I cured myself following a horrible motor vehicle accident in 2002; was brave and courageous. Having gone through Acute renal failure, being robbed again in 2013 and being involved in 2 Motor vehicle accidents, through no fault of my own, I thought I didn’t exactly have such an “easy” life. The second MVA in 2002, I suffered numerous injuries and multiple surgeries; including several pieces of hardware placed in a few different parts of my body. I’m on my second pacemaker, the first being “a piece of cake”. Meaning that the second pacemaker surgery in 2013, did not go quite as planned. After getting into my chest, the Neuro-Cardiologist found out that the 1st pacemaker had worn a hole right through my pectoral muscle. Then not only did I need a new pacemaker, but the 45 minute to an hour surgery turned into a 3 hour ordeal in which my whole left pectoral muscle had to be rebuilt. The team was smart and did research on RSD/CRPS, a Neuro-autoimmune disease that I ended up getting after my 7th surgery.  It was the surgery on my right foot in 2007, in which the horribly painful nerve disease started. It spread and it spread until it went systemic following that major open surgery in 2013. I even endured a CVA and a mild heart attack in between the 10 surgeries following that MVA in 2002. I suffer from an MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury) and went through 3 years of TBI rehabilitation to learn how to cope with:  not being able to cook when nobody is home (because I may leave burners on and hurt my family or myself), not being able to comprehend what I read anymore after having been a College graduate with a 3.9 GPA! I had to learn how to live with leg braces, hearing aids, special prism glasses, balance issues, much less concentration capabilities and just about zero short term memory!  The worst of these being the chronic nerve pain and all of the pain following those years and still to this day.

I went to a pain Dr. for 3 years and he did everything from epidural nerve blocks to trigger point injections and biofeedback along with pain Psychology appointments. I was so happy when I read the notes from the pain Psychologist’s because they wrote that I was not an “addictive personality”. I never drank, smoked, did any drugs….prescription or otherwise! I was one of those “good girls” who had always tried to be “teachers pet” and get a 4.0 GPA and still try to get “extra credit”. Of course I’m a “type A” personality person who likes to do things the right way the first time if at all possible. I always did my best at everything I endeavored. I made alot of mistakes but always came back and tried again, while pulling up myself by the “bootstraps”.

The chronic intractable pain that has gone along with all of my injuries and surgeries since 2002 and then the diagnosis of CRPS in 2007; and later the shock of getting the “full body/systemic CRPS” has been traumatic to say the least. I was always very cooperative and followed whatever the Dr’s told me to do. I trusted again and again and again; when most people would’ve given up long ago, I just kept believing in the “goodness” of people or at least trying to find some good in all people. If you’ve been following along at all, you’ll know that I met Dr. Bullach, my GP for 12 years, in 2002 during a hospital stay following that MVA.  I was in there for pain control and met the pain Dr at the same time. I trusted him right away and thought he was a kind and “teddy bear-ish” type of personality.  He told me that I “could trust him” and that “he would be the eye in the middle of my storm”. He said he would help me and cooridinate specialists and take care of all of my medications etc. He told me “not to worry”.  We tried every medication under the sun, it seemed.  Everything either made me deathly ill, very sick or I was allergic to it! By the time we were finished and had found one thing that finally worked for my kind of pain, there was something of a “book” of all the meds that I had tried and which had failed for me.

Finally, I tried the Fentanyl patches and they made me nauseous and really “loopy”. I went ahead and tried them again because I just felt that a patch was so easy and you didn’t have to think about it all the time, many times per day etc. It finally helped to relieve my pain. I had a hospital bed in my home because I couldn’t even get in and out of bed or get any sleep due to the amount of pain I was living with at the time. I had been offered a “pain pump” that they fill with morphine, by the pain Dr. ….but the auto insurance was fighting me so much and I just didn’t have a whole lot of “fight” left at that time. I also already had 2 screws in my right shoulder, a jaw implant and had a pacemaker! I didn’t want anymore “things” put into my body. Especially not something with a catheter that would’ve been stuck into my spine that had multiple herniates and bulging disks, degenerative disk disease and Scoliosis.  Luckily I didn’t get the pain pump because later we found out that I suffer from Hypogammaglobulinemia, a blood disease that means I have an immune deficiency in my IGG, IGA subsets of white blood cells. I could have become paralyzed and could have gotten numerous infections had I allowed that pump to be placed. I made the right decision for me and today I’m so glad that I did.

So I had been in a “pain pump” support group, just to find out information for myself about the pumps and to make friends with the same kind of pain issues that I suffer from. Everyone was so kind and many were knowledgeable. Some of the people mentioned these “pain lollipops”. They said that they helped a lot and very quickly for the terrible nerve pain. I checked in with my GP, Dr. Bullach about them and he started me on them right away. That was in 2005, after I’d finished treatment with the pain Dr.and he’d put me back in the hands of my GP.  He told me that because I didn’t want a pain pump and I was going to go the medication route for my pain, that it’d be better for me to be in the care of my GP. He agreed that Dr. Bullach would prescribe the pain meds. He told me that my Dr. could consult with him at any time and he would help.  He also agreed that it was better for him this way because he was “looked at under a microscope” and didn’t like prescribing pain meds.

These experiences were all difficult, painful, scarey and life altering; but nothing prepared me for what I’ve gone through this past week with the withdrawals from the Fentanyl lollipops.  I’d been prescribed them and had been taking these for the past 10 or 11 years! Time just kept passing and the regimen was working; although I asked many many times over especially the past 3 years to get taken “way down” from the amount I’d been taking of the pain suckers. Dr. Bullach just kept on telling me to “trust him” and that he “was the eye in the middle of my storm”.  He told me that he’d “gotten me out of that hospital bed in my home”!  He reminded me that I was able to at least get out and do a little bit more than I had been before the lollipops. So I trusted him; though I still continued to ask him to slowly take me down because I felt that I was falling so often (6 times in 2014 and 6 concussions!!!) and though I have balance issues, I thought in the back of my head that maybe it was partially the fault of the meds? I never even took an Aspirin for headaches in the past, prior to this car accident and the injuries from it. Now I was wearing 2 patches of Fentanyl and taking sometimes approximately up to 20 or + lollipops daily to control my CRPS and the other pain issues. I had even woken a “sleeping monster” in that MVA in 2002! I had been born with “Arnold Chiari I malformation”. It showed up on the MRI after the MVA. It is a congenital defect in which the tonsils at the base of my brain stem get swollen and do not fit correctly into the spinal cord column, causing great pain for some people and others never know they have it! It all depends on many issues and variations. The horrible whiplash being my 2nd one and then the MTBI, “woke up” the sleeping congenital defect. Hence, another horrible pain issue to where I cannot even hold my head up for long periods of time without causing great pain.

So as you’ve probably been reading my past few posts, you know that my GP just abruptly left in December 2014. Without any feeling, caring or the tenderness I’d seen before in his eyes; he just told me he was leaving and that that appointment would be my last one with him. He promised he’d talk to the pain Dr. that knew me. He assured me that my treatment would be and stay the same as it had been because it was working! He promised also to send my records to the pain Dr and to personally talk to him on my behalf. I had received a letter from my health insurance company, stating that they “would no longer pay for the Fentanyl lollipops for pain after March 11, 2015, unless a pain Dr. agreed with Dr. Bullach’s treatment plan.” He told me not to worry about a thing and again to “trust him”. Well, as you know, none of that ever happened and the Dr. who took over for Dr. Bullach’s patients got left with a “mess”. He could not handle the volume of patients on top of his own, especially the amount of “pain patients” that Dr. B. had accumulated!! Luckily for me, I’d been a patient in that office since 1986, and had a history with that other Dr. as well. He reluctantly helped me get the pain lollipops and patches, but was swift to inform me that he was not going to be prescribing the amount that I’d been taking under the other Dr.

I was afraid, but I was motivated. I have been through so much, but it has made me a strong woman and a survivor. I took myself down from 20+ suckers daily down to only 8 in just a couple of months time. I cut my amount of the patches in half as well. I went through some hyperalgesia and some misery, but I did it! I was taking less and less as I was looking for a pain Dr. to help because the other physician in that practice didn’t feel comfortable prescribing the kind of pain meds that I needed to survive now, with all of the pain that I live with on a daily basis.

Finally, I found a nice pain Dr. and luckily I carry my records with me when I go to a new specialist. I had everything in order and I felt “safe” with him right away. He told me to finish up the pack of pain lollipops that I was taking and then  go to sleep on July 12th taking one last sucker. Then I was to wake up on the 13th of July, and never take another Fentanyl lollipop again; after 10 or 11 years of taking them, it was over! I was starting a new pain management regimen and I was fearful, but knew I could do it!  The first day was not so bad until the night time. I did crave the mental picture of having something that my brain associated with immediate pain relief!  I felt nauseous, achy all over and I was so hot, I thought I was going to spontaneously combust!! Then I’d get chills, diarrhea and started to vomit. I felt jittery and anxious and didn’t want to do anything but cry and sleep and lay on the couch! I made a video of how I was feeling at 5:00am on the 2nd day. The second day was more of the same and the third day was the worst! I did manage to go with my husband, daughter,& my 2 granddaughters to an hour or so of the kids “music in the park Wednesdays” Summer program.on the third day.  I returned home sicker than ever afterwards!  Finally, I started researching on forums and “You Tube” etc. I learned that if I took a medication called “Clonadine” aka “Catapress”, it can sometimes help with the withdrawals. I called the GP and within an hour an half, I had the Catapress in my body. It was the first thing that actually took a little bit of the edge off from the withdrawal symptoms.

The pain Dr. didn’t seem to think I’d have too much or too many symptoms because he said we were “faking out my body” by switching to a different BT pain medication….something  more safe and not made for “end of life” and “terminal” patients.with Cancer.  He told me that the pain lollipops were/are dangerous, “very dangerous”. He said that I should never have had them. So I’m not sure why my body still went through horrible withdrawals, maybe because of my many bad pain issues?  But I felt like I just was going to die and really didn’t care if I had, at that point! I’m so lucky that my husband is a teacher and he was home for me. Also, my oldest daughter lives nearby and she was a great help and has been. She even was calling several times daily and was stopping over to bring me some “Gator aide” to help my electrolytes along with my favorite food, “french fries”, to get me to eat something substantial!

Well, today it is one week and I am Fentanyl lollipop free. I’m very proud of myself for doing this without having to go anyplace and get help elsewhere. I was afraid because I had a previous heart attack and stroke and I’d had seizures following the MVA for about 6 months. All of those things can happen when going through withdrawals. I’m so very lucky that these things didn’t happen again. I don’t feel good yet. I feel very tired, heavy and I still have stomach aches and diarrhea, along with nausea and depression on and off. I think I’m over the “hump” or the worst of it. I think I will get just a little bit better each day. It’s going to be very very hard because for over 10 years I had a “quick” relief when I was on an outing or needed quick breakthrough pain relief.I have to retrain my brain and myself to just plan ahead and take what the pain Dr has prescribed for me now, about 45 minutes before I may need it. That’s not going to be easy and the new meds are feeling like they’re ripping out my tummy. People tell me that is the withdrawals and not the meds. I’m willing to see this through and keep on keeping on!

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you and I will certainly be keeping you posted. Thank you again…..Also, if you would like to watch my very dark (because it was middle of the night with no lights on and I was crying very much) “You Tube” videos, please email me for the link and I will give it to you. I have them not ‘private” but “unlisted” …so if you have the link from me, you will be able to watch them. There are three videos altogether right now for this experience thus far. Again, my email is: jewelrymkr@aol.com…..g’nite luvs….

willsTrue Colors:  Seeing Is Believing.....sins

Days #3 And #4 *(And beginning of Day #5) -Withdrawals from Fentanyl Lollipop


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Hi Luvs,

Ten years I’ve been on those Fentanyl lollipops for Breakthrough pain. My GP, Dr. Peter Bullach, kept on telling me “TRUST ME’….”NO WORRIES, you’re out of that hospital bed and out doing a few things now”…..he’d say “Let me be the eye in the middle of your storm”….well that all went to HELL when he decided to get into some kind of trouble for writing too many prescriptions while the DEA decided they’d better check into him and they clearly did because now he’s working at an urgent care in Jackson, MI “Med Express” on NW ave. Except don’t go there if you want prescriptions because he’s unable to write them…yep..”THOSE” kind….not anymore…I’m so angry I could just spit. I’ve never hurt anyone, never will and never wanted to…I always just end up hurting myself….I just wish he hadn’t done this to me and now I’m just whining..

So it’s gone through now Day #4 and starting Day #5 and today I went to the Univ. of Toledo Medical Ctr. and saw the famous Dr. Blair Grubb and his Posse actually! I had my pacemaker checked and saw Dr Beverly but she felt badly but couldn’t do anything for me really?? She pretty much gave me a soft hug and sent me on my way and told me that I’d see the Dr next time in just a few months. Im upset because once again they have those new “patient online portals” and they have half of my information incorrect. UGGH What is wrong why cannot they get things straight?? I wonder how much was wrong when I didn’t even know about it?  It made me angry and I want it fixed because I don’t like my information, my medical info wrong. I wrote a note and told them to please fix it!!

Today has been the worst day ever so far. I cried probably 90% OF THE day. I writhed on the couch and couldn’t concentrate on even my Iphone or computer or anything. I finally slept some when I convinced Craig to call my new GP and ask for Clonadine after I  had read on a forum for people going through withdrawals from something online. It says if you can get it , it may help calm you down and help with pain. So I tried that also now and it did finally help me calm down to sleep on the couch awhile tonight. Also I did not take the Dilaudid because it just keeps making me sick to my stomach as if it’s going to explode along with my body which feels as though it is soooo much on fire that I’m surprised I haven’t spontaneously combusted yet!! UGhh…this isn’t going to be a long one because I can barely eek out this one at all. But I wanted people to know how I’m doing and it seems as though they want to know and are interested.

So today we went to Univ. of Toledo Med ctr. to see my Dysautonomia/POTS /Neuro-Cardiologist and they just saw me in my wheelchair with my blankets over me for pain and heat as I go between freezing cold and wanting to blow up from heat and feeling of being on fire!! So they couldnt do much….I had hoped that they would do more but they just didnt.

Therefore I spent the better part of the day there, in the car and at home on my couch crying and writhing in pain and feeling so out of touch as far as feeling like I want to stretch and yawn and sneeze all of the time and feeling jittery and then I have ativan for that but who’s going to help me get off of all of this crap later?  The Pain Dr. said the Fentanyl suckers were “DANGEROUS” but how much more dangerous can they be? I’m on the patch all of these years and so are many many people. Its Fentanyl and its all the same. I’m not a drug addict and my body may be dependent but I’m still not an addict. That’s not fair when I never asked for any of this and never even took an aspirin for a headache prior to all of this !!

I wonder if my Dr’s received their letters in the mail yet? Maybe tomorrow huh? I hope that it at least makes them think and not hurt anyone else…Although they are so arrogant it probably won’t matter at all to them. Especially Dr Dobritt, he probably won’t even read it himself. His little teeny bopper clerk will probably read it for him and protect him from “mean and bad me”!!! Well starting day #5 now and it’s not gotten better but only worse and I will be calling the pain Dr today.and I want to ask him if there’s any kind of shorter or quicker acting pain relief that I can have because the Dilauded is chewing up my stomach and I am having a terrible time of it. I thought by now I’d be writing to you how great I’m doing and so happy to be done and feeling so strong! But NOOOO…intsead I’m feeling whiny and miserable, crying and in writhing and in pain. Im so tired of diarrhea and stomach cramps and not being able to sleep and when I awaken in the morning and now not being able to take that sucker, I have to lay there for about an hour to 45 mins. before I can even get up or try to get up!! Itfe feels like I’m getting up on broken feet that have glass in  them and they’re broken in a hundred places…then it feels like my hands just hurt and want to explodell Getting up in the morning is the hardest of all and I dont like doing it without help and my husband wants to get up early to go get me a Dilauded so after 45 mins it can maybe work?? But they are not working for some reason for me…I took them for emergency pain help for severe pain afer a fall or a surgery and they seemed to help…they just are not made for me to take every 3 hours…I cannot….IM not…what am I going to do??? We called and got the Catapress or (Clonandine) to help calm me and help with the withdrawals and the pain…so remember that one folks…try to have Ativan or Xanax or something like that along with Imodium or whatever you can use for diarrhea and also get something to help with nausea like I did. Now I had to get TIGAN because it was the only one that didnt’ interact with either the pain patch nor the other stuff i’m on…but the Tigan has not worked for me at all. It did not help my diarrhea instead it made it worse. It also did nothing for my nausea….just saying…trying to help..

Gotta go try and get some sleep feeling really bad and gonna start to cry again…love,suzanne xo

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Day #2 Withdrawals from Fentanyl Lollipops


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Well my friends, today is the end of the 2nd full day of my withdrawals from the major doses of Fentanyl Lollipops that my old GP had me on for the past 10, 11 years now. Yes….I do have many high pain issues but he should not have done this to me. Nothing I can do now, I cannot whine or complain because I must get to the business of getting off of these totally and never going back. But I cannot say that I’m not afraid. The suckers are so far the only thing that have worked for my horrible pain! Everything else either makes me really sick with awful side effects and nausea or it doesn’t seem to work well for me.  Today I’ve felt a little bit less of the “wanting” for the suckers. I have felt chills and I have also felt as though I am going to burn on fire until I am just ashes on the floor. I feel so hot …..no..you just don’t understand….I feel so hot and I sweat and I’ve had this feeling all through my RSD/CRPS too, but this is even more powerful. It wakes me up at night and I’m soaking wet and I just wanna “die”. No …,not really. …I don’t want to leave this world or die…it’s more of a “feeling” when that happens that I just need for it to end right then and I cannot take it for another moment.

Today, I had to go to my GP…it’s only my 2nd time seeing him. I am unsure about him. The other one, my old one..he did take over when his partner left after 12 years. He did get me the meds that I needed to keep me from being so deathly ill or dying. I think that he thinks the only reason I went to him was for the suckers. Well, he used to be my full time GP and I started seeing his “new” partner 12 years ago  because he was so “nice” to me and kind when I was hospitalized for pain control. I had been a  patient at first of the Dr. who has taken over since my GP of 12 yrs left abruptly after over medicating many of his patients including me . **My former Dr/GP went to an urgent care in Jackson Michigan called Med express. He cannot write controlled substances anymore because the FEDS came into their office and he was found to be over medicating people. Unfortunately, I am one of them. I have been a trooper, motivated and trying with all of my might to get lower and lower doses of the pain suckers since January 2015. I got down 80% and now since Sunday night going to bed with one in my mouth, I’ve had ZERO….NADA….NONE!!! I’m now in my 2nd full day and at the end of it actually.

I was a patient there actually since 1986 and the Dr. who has taken over my care, WAS and had been my GP since that time and until I asked the “new Dr” to be my GP when I was hospitalized in 2002 following a MVA. I only stopped seeing the first Dr. because of my parents, who had been horribly abusive on many levels while growing up and even as I was an adult and I confided in him. He helped me to get my SSDI and he believed in me. Until one day 10 years later, my parents walked into his office and started becoming his patients. Instead of him telling them that it was a breech of some kind or unethical or something, he came to my patient room and told me “wow your parents are now my patients too! They seem like nice people and they say that they’ve done none of the things you alleged that they’ve done!! You seem like a nice person too and now I don’t know who to believe”??? Well, that was enough then and there I got up and left that practice. I tried a few other Dr’s but didn’t really like any of them. Then after the car accident I got scared because I knew so much was wrong and I had so much pain issues. I needed to go back where my records were and where someone knew me and my history. I told him what I thought about what he said and did and then the new dr arrived on the scene and to make matters easier for everyone, I started seeing him, Dr. Pete Bullach Jr MD.

Well, he helped me and told me that he would “be the eye in the middle of my storm”. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to prescribe meds for me. We tried many different pain meds and they all made me ill, sick, and left with my pain. They didn’t work for me and 99% gave me very bad stomach issues including pain and cramps. I finally found the suckers and they worked for me. They worked for 10 years for me. I did suffer from a heart attack shortly after starting them and then one year later I suffered a CVA. Who knows if the suckers were the culprit or if it was the TBI or any other number of reasons? But I’ve since read that the Fentanyl lollipops long term, can cause such problems with health. The pain Dr. I have now and who I’ve only seen one time so far and will see again at the beginning of August, he says that they are for “end of life” and they are “very dangerous”. I don’t understand the dangerousness of them though? Why am I able to stay on the Fentanyl patch and take Dilauded but these are not dangerous?? I guess I just don’t understand. I am just blindly doing what I have to do because either way I need to get off of some of these things because I absolutely HATE feeling “married” to these pain meds and the men with the power to write them for me.  The Government thinks they know what pain patients need and they think they know which kinds of pain are worse than other kinds of pain. Who are they or anyone to say that One pain illness is more painful that my very painful pain diseases called “COMPLEX REGIONAL PAIN SYNDROME” or “CRPS aka RSD”…??? I will never understand but I don’t care. I am strong and have always been strong. I don’t like the feelings of withdrawals and as of day #2, today, I don’t crave the “sucker” part so much. But in waves I feel terrible and in pain and tired, exhausted and sick. I don’t know what will happen but I pray that this new pain Dr will be good to me and keep on believing in me …

I dont know if I have shown you the letter that I have written to the : Dr who took over for my old doc who got into trouble, to my old GP who is at the Urgent care now and the same letter was sent out to the pain Dr who took good care of me and I was a good patient of his from 2002-2005, but when I went back for help at the beginning of this ordeal on January 2nd, 2015, he refused to help me or see me unless he could pass me off to a “friend of his” to be “screened” first by him  because he must not trust his own judgement? I’ve sent them all a letter and I would love to share that letter with you. Below please see a copy of it. I do praise the one doc for helping to take over me and help me through this even though I’ve heard that there are and have been very very many that he just totally “threw overboard” and “let go” and gave them a script and sent them on their way and told them “not to come back”. These were legitimate pain patients because I knew or know a couple of them. I feel or felt the need to get out what I needed to say. I truly am thankful for the one Dr/GP for helping me to go down 80% off of the suckers. But I had no choice in the matter. I was and am at the mercy of all of these people and I absolutely hate it. With my background of abuse and PTSD, it pains me to have someone else in charge of me and my care. I can only hope that the new Dr will continue to believe in me and care for me in a kind and caring way and never give up on me.

So here I sit at the end of day #2 and I’m feeling very very ill, hot and burning up as if to be on fire!  I feel cramps and runny nose and eyes and cannot eat much or hold in anything much. I’ve been trying to to drink but when I have hot drink, I burn up and when I have cold drink, I feel freezing cold. Everything is screwed up and I feel like I am unable to concentrate on anything. I am vlogging this experience on YOU TUBE also. So far they are “private” and if you want to watch them, please email me : suzannebstewart@aol.com and I will put you allowed to watch the videos. There are 2 so far and they are dark and made at night, very late when I’ve been feeling my very worst.  Thank you for your interest and I hope one day that this account of my days going through this ordeal, will help someone.  Also, things that help with the fire or “on fire” feeling are : cold paks that are in the fridge, around my neck and cold drinks. When I’m hot I try wearing light clothing and drink more cold drinks as I’ve said and I’ve been sitting stilll, quite still. I’m having a hard time with concentration too. Please check out the letter that I’ve sent out to all 3 Dr’s, below…..thank you again, Suzanne

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The Letter:

July 13,2015
Dear Dr’s Brateman, Bullach and Dobritt;
I am writing one letter in the same, to all three of you. First of all, to save myself the work of trying to say many of the same things to all 3 of you. Also, this way you’ll be able to better understand how I felt about the breakdown of our patient/Dr. relationships.
First of all, I want to say “thank you ” to Dr. Brateman, for allowing me to stay on as a patient and help me reduce my pain medications. Between Jan 1st and July 13, 2015, I brought myself down to Zero, from the huge amount of Fentanyl prescribed for me (by Dr. Bullach). Dr. Brateman was the only physician who had the guts to stick by me. I’m a chronic pain patient with quite a list of real and horrible pain issues, including Systemic “CRPS!
I have been through a lot in my life, but this has got to be right up on top with the worst treatment of a human being that I’ve personally felt. I’m astounded and ashamed at the treatment I’ve received from Dr Bullach , who told me for 12 years to “trust him” only to be betrayed and left to suffer on my own, if not for Dr. Brateman.
Next, I went to my scheduled appointment on Jan 2, 2015 with Dr. Dobritt. He informed me that he “never received a letter, records or a phone call from Dr. Bullach regarding my case”. Another deception by Dr Bullach. During that same appointment, Dr Dobritt initially indicated that he supported the treatment regimen that Dr. Bullach had me on. But then he “back peddled” and referred me to another pain Dr. I told him that I didn’t wish to see another Dr. I’ve already seen multiple specialists as a result of a MVA in 2002. He’d been my pain Dr. for 3 years following that MVA and I had trusted him.
I went back to Dr. Dobritt in April 2015, after I had gotten myself down 80% from the Fentanyl prescribed originally by Dr. Bullach. I thought he would be proud of me. Imagine my shock & dismay when I arrived and Dr Dobritt refused to see me. He sent a clerk to tell me that he would not see me because I had not gone to be screened by the other pain Dr. prior to this appointment. I cried and begged for him to help me. I was afraid and felt alone in my physical pain and feelings of betrayal and mistrust with the medical professionals who are bound to “first do no harm” according to their own creed. I felt betrayed by his obvious attempt to pass me off to another Dr. instead of helping me.
Because of my own tenacity, I have since found a caring pain Dr. who has helped me get completely off of my former regimen of pain meds. He was equally appalled at the way I had been treated by physicians that I had trusted. Dr. Bullach, your actions; and Dr. Dobritt, your inaction, put my health and possibly my life at risk. You should both be ashamed at the way you treated me and you left Dr. Brateman to clean up your mess. I hope that the two of you do some soul searching and NEVER treat another human being the same way that you have treated me.
With deep sadness, Suzanne Stewart

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The Beginning of the End…..And A New Beginning


Hello Luvs,

So here I sit, as I used to write about heartache, heartbreak and of things in the past, now I am writing to you in writhing pain as my Physician of 12 years just up and left many people in pain and left us out to allow fate to have it’s will with us. I know that I’ve written to you of late, how my Dr left and how angry and upset I’ve been. I wrote about how the pain Dr. that knew me in the past, right after my car accident in 2002, wouldn’t even see me or help me because of a “situation” and for no other reason. He didn’t want to be “involved” in a mess of being inundated with pain patients from this physician. I’m pretty sure some of them may have been unreal and faking their pain but many, like myself, have real pain issues. I think I told you also about the other Dr. who owns the practice and how he is very very angry at being “left with a mess” of pain patients on all kinds of pain medications and way too much!  This would mean, including me! My old Physician left, but in the past 12 years he was like a big “teddy bear” and kind and he had kind eyes. I never thought for even a moment that he would leave me “out to dry ” like this…..or even “to die”.  I don’t want to repeat myself, but I have much to say about this subject and I think maybe people can learn something from this experience. You have to stop being afraid, like I have been or had been in the past. Sometimes I am still afraid but I do my best to keep on going and not be afraid.

Back in 2002, I was in a horrible car accident. I was poo poo’d by the hospital called “St. Joe’s” here in Ann Arbor ,Michigan.  I had been on disability since 1998, for PTSD and CKDII.  When my disability was approved, they called my husband and told him that I “didn’t even have to go to their own Dr’s because after reading my several Dr  reports, they didn’t want to put me through having to tell my story even one more time. I was approved!”  I tried to get the nightmares and the fear to stop. I was trying so hard and the possibility of trying to return to my job at the U of Mich. hospitals as an Interpreter for the Deaf and as an Outpatient clerk III, felt like it just might happen one day. But then in August of 2002, a man ran a red light while fighting with his wife and I was hurt bad as his car T-boned my car and I lay unconscious on the cement afterwards.  I was out for about 20-30 minutes I was told. Then taken by ambulance to the hospital where they did some Xrays and put me in the ER for many hours and left me there. One Dr. was wanting his shift to be over and he was going to send me home. I had just been screaming so loudly during Xrays, that my husband said people were leaving the waiting area so as not to hear my screams of pain. The nurse that was assigned to me that night, I wish I could thank him someday in person. He saved me. When that one Doc was going to try to just “send me home” when I couldn’t even stand or walk or move without being in horrible screaming pain, he called a trauma Dr. She got the bal rolling and they admitted me.  But sadly, I still did not get the care that I should have gotten and they just let me sit in shoulder  braces for 5 days until my husband finally brought me home to take  me to some good Dr’s that might help me. At the hospital I was looked at differently because I only weighed 99 lbs. I was tiny and 5 feet 5 inches tall. I had been going through Anorexia off and on since I was about 17 years old. That is another whole story in and of itself. But I was still very sane and smart and not crazy in any way, shape or form. I was not on any medications, but I had been seeing a wonderful Psychologist who was helping me makes sense of some things that had happened to me while growing up and while as an adult member of my family as well.

So after 5 days of being NOT treated kindly and NOT being diagnosed properly, my husband was so appalled at the way things were happening or NOT happening, that he took me out of there. I ended up finding out that I had suffered an MTBI and several other horribly painful injuries. After 3 years at the Ann Arbor Rehab center for TBI’s, and after 10 surgeries or so, I finally know all that went wrong and I’ve had to go through many horrible Dr’s appointment experiences but I’d finally found some help. I met a great Brain Injury Dr. at St Joe’s and he helped me every step of the way. He was not on “My” side but on the side of truth and right and goodness, which was the same side that I always try to be on! I got help dealing with the short term memory loss and the difference in my personality a bit and I learned that I was now unable to read large books such as the “Harry Potter” series, but I could read Magazine articles. I am unable to still remember things that I’ve read. But when I’ve heard the same things several times, then I surely can remember them. I ended up having 2 screws put in my left shoulder because after a year of seeing several shoulder Dr’s, they all told me that I just had some “torn rotator cuffs and then frozen shoulders”. They kept on sending me to painful PT.  Later, I finally did not give up and found a Dr. to listen to me and he sent me to the Cleveland clinic. Dr. John Brems, orthopedic specialist, told me that he could do a “nerve and muscle transfer from a cadaver” but he then thought it might me just alot more pain for me and it would only have fixed one thing out of many issues for me at that time. My new shoulder Dr. though, told me that I in fact “was NOT crazy” and he had to go into my shoulder in an open surgery and unattach my biceps tendon (which had grown attached to the bone wrongly for over a year because nobody would listen to me) and reattach it to the bone with two titanium screws. It helped the nerve “zings” immediately and I was so greatful to him.

I was in the hospital for pain control when I met Dr. Bullach. He was a kind man and he had a kind manner about him. I had been seeing the other Dr. in the practice since 1986, and we got along great.  But my parents decided to go to him 10 years after I’d been a patient there and they started telling hem that all that I’d told him “was a lie”. He got confused and he came to me telling me that “they seemed like nice people and I seemed like a nice person and now he did not know who to believe?” I saved him the trouble and I left the practice. Only to return when I got afraid after the car accident. I came back because they knew me and had years of my records and I was in pain and afraid. Lucky for me, there was a new Dr there and I got along great with him so I switched over to Dr. Bullach for the next 12 years. He had no problem believing in me and he talked to my other Dr’s and Psychologist and I had a great team.  He always told me that he was “the eye in the middle of my storm”. I believed in him and trusted him. In 2005, after trying so many medications that all made me either very ill or I was allergic to them, he started me on the Fentanyl suckers and the patches together. It was only the 2nd time that anything had worked for my pain. With the pain Dr. I had been on a medication called “Kadian” and it was extended release Morphine. It worked for 2 years and then just stopped working. The pain dr. wanted me to get an Intrathecal pain pump. I didn’t want something else put into my body, let alone stuck into my spine dripping medication into it and being “dependant forever” on another human being to fill it. I decided to just stick to meds and therefore the pain dr stopped seeing me. He turned me over to dr. Bullach to just give me pain meds and said that he “could consult with him at any time and he would help”. That never happened because Dr. Bullach put me on the above 2 meds and I stayed on them until he left the practice in December 2014.

I had gotten a letter from the insurance company stating that they “would not be paying for my pain meds after March 2015 unless a pain dr. agreed with Dr. Bullach’s treatment plan.”  Well in December, Dr Bullach got into “trouble” and left the practice to go and work at an urgent care in Jackson, MI. He wrote too many prescriptions for pain meds for too many people. He over medicated too many people and I was one of them. I had no idea because before that MVA in 2002, I never even took an Aspirin for headaches. I never had pain issues before! I had no idea what was happening or what was about to happen to me.   Dr. Bullach just kept on telling me to “trust him” and “not to worry”. For the past 3 years I had asked him to help me go down from the meds i was on. I was afraid of being on too much and I was worried but he just kept on telling me that he got “me off of the hospital bed in my living room” and if and when the time came, he would help me get off of the meds.  Well, the time came and I had no control over it and he was nowhere to be found to help me. I was on my own and very afraid.

I went back to the pain Dr. that helped me for the 3 years following the car accident. He was good with me and believed in me and I in him. I was compliant and did what he asked and it all was good. But when I went back to ask for help after dr. Bullach left, he didn’t want anything to do with me!!! He wanted to sell me out and he saw me one time only to tell me that I had to go to be screened by another pain Dr. friend of his!  Have you ever heard of a pain Dr. not feeling confident in himself and having to send someone to a “friend of his” for a consultation? It made no sense until I heard him say that He really was “inundated with many of Dr. Bullach’s pain patients and many of them were just drug seekers and he didn’t want to be any part of that”.   But he knew me? I didn’t do anything wrong? I had only always done whatever was asked of me? What did I do wrong? I needed help and nobody would help me. I was very afraid and didn’t know where to go or what to do. I knew that I did NOT want to go and see his “FRIEND” …..after looking him up online, his friend was a “Dr. Malinoff” in AnnArbor who is in “detroit hourly” magazine and who gets “awards” for being such a great doc….in print!! But from what the hundreds of people wrote about him in many many reviews, I was not about to go and see him EVER! I read up on him at his website. He even states there that he broke his own foot and didn’t even go to a Dr. for 3 months. His wife finally forced him to go and he had a broken foot. He prides himself that he walked on it all of that time without even a pain pill! He had surgery and he again prided himself on “not taking anything for pain”. He even said that If you wake up in the morning and put your feet on the floor and you don’t have pain, then you should be looking for your name in the obituaries!!! I won’t quote that because he said that his father said it and he also believed in this view. But I don’t like to quote things unless I have the exact words and I’m not 100% sure of the exact wording, but this is truly what he said on his website and you can find it for yourself just by looking him up in Ann Arbor,MI.

Now, I have always been a person who never drank or took any drugs of any kind. I was NOT going to see this Dr. who I had read about and heard about from other pain patients that I admire and trust; when what I’d heard was very bad practice. He takes peoples medications away from them and puts them on Suboxone or Methadone right away. You are not even looked at as an individual and to see what might or might not work for you. This is what I’ve heard and what I read at his website as well. I am a good person who never drank or did drugs or anything bad and there was no way I was going to be sent to this place and then to possibly be put on who knows what list and never ever be helped again in my life for the real pain issues that I have. Even the first pain Dr. agreed that “I had many big pain issues” and he was very sorry but he just couldn’t take any of Dr. Bullach’s patients on.

I persevered and I finally found a pain Dr right here in my own town. He is awesome so far and I liked him very much during my first visit to him. I will see him again in August. But he did take me off of the Fentanyl Suckers. He says they are “very dangerous and I should never have been given them”. He said they are for “end of life” and for those who do not have stomachs to swallow meds. etc.  He is keeping me on the patch and he gave me a different medication for my pain and I will be starting it “cold turkey” on Monday July 13th. I’m scared as I’ve gone down from my suckers from the 20 or so that Dr. Bullach had me on and now to only 3 per day. But it’s still a scary thing when I’ve been on them for almost 12 years and they are what has worked for me. So far the new meds that I’ve been trying to start taking a little bit here and there, are not working very well. I’m feeling very sweaty and sick and nauseated and my pain is not going away at all. No break from the pain like I’m used to getting with the suckers. I’m doing it but I’m scared and in only two more days, I will wake up and only have the pills and the patches. ….no more Actiq suckers and  I know I can do this but it’s so hard and it’s hard already and I’ve just gone down to a couple per day, how will I do with zero?? I guess we will all see very soon. But as soon as I do this all by myself, but still  with a new pain Dr. by my side and my wonderful husband, I will be sending out a letter to the one Dr. who did take over and help me until I could find a different pain Dr. to help.  Also to the other 2 Dr’s who refused to help me, they will be receiving a letter as well. One will go to  Dr Bullach, because he truly hurt me by leaving and not caring about me at all…and then the pain Dr. who was going to “throw me to the wolves” and didn’t care one bit either!

Here is a copy of the letter that they will be receiving: (I will post the copy of the letter next week at the end of the week after I know the letter has been received by the appropriate Physicians).  So watch for that letter, I will post it probably next weekend sometime….I look forward to you reading it…thank you so much…Please pray for me and wish me luck because I’m afraid and feeling awful sweaty and sick already as I write this blog today…sending Love, Suz

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